This year on my birthday eve I decided to do something I never did before. I decided to let go of all expectations. All of them. Ok, not all of them, but at least most of them. Every time I thought about the coming birthday I told myself: "I am not the queen of the World. The World is not turning around me. I am just an ordinary human, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague. No one owes me anything. And if there is one person in the World who deserves praise on this day then it's my mother who gave me birth and my father, who did his best to raise me. If I want this day to be somehow special, then I am alone responsible for my happiness."
And it changed everything.
I remember past birthdays when I cried at least once a day just because the Wold around me could not keep up with my expectations. I didn't get the flowers I wanted, I didn't get the message from one or another particular person. My husband didn't drop everything and suddenly became a professional party planner, I didn't get the most Instagrammable day. It's funny and very much embarrassing to think about, but this was me for many years. I guess we all in some sense expect that our birthday is the most special day, and don't get me wrong it is. But the problem occurs when we lay responsibility for our happiness on others.
This past year was one of the most difficult ones in my life. I went through health, family, and work problems. Most of the time at the same time. Not counting the Corona situation, which of course made it all much worse. These times of brokenness made me reevaluate my whole belief system. I looked for ways to get out of the crisis stronger. And it somehow worked. They say that the worst times can also be the best ones. I observed my mental growth based on my little birthday experiment. And this immense joy made me share this story with the whole World.
So let's dive into my very special day...
On my birthday eve, I went to Lidl to buy cake material. While baking the cake for my coworkers I had again quite intense inner dialogue." I am making this cake for others. No one owns me anything in return. I am thankful that I am alive. Isn't it what a birthday, in the end, is about? Just being thankful for being alive for so many years?"
At 06.15 on March 10 I opened my eyes and spoke to myself. "I am thankful for waking up. It will be a great day. I think some flowers would make me happy. If my husband surprises me with some, then it would be awesome, and if no, well then I will be lucky enough to choose and buy myself something very pretty." Well, he did surprise me, so good for me.
I took my phone and said, "If someone will be kind enough to write me, then I will take it with the deepest gratitude. But no one has to do it. I understand that people have their lives, they don't sit near computers and wait until my birthday comes, so they can send me a message. I know that many people who are important to me feel the same way and I don't need extra reassurances." I mean, it sounds obvious to read right now, but honestly, I did think otherwise before. I could be deeply wounded if someone important to me didn't write me on my birthday.
At work, I invited people for a coffee break and made them the best cake and coffee I could. I was thankful that they gave as a present time of their days and kind words. No other gifts were necessary.
After work, I went jogging. I listened to great Indie music that made me smile. And you know what happened? People smiled back! Dogs smiled back! Even the clouds smiled back! What an amazing day!
After that, I made myself a bath with rose petals and essential oil and just read. Such relaxation!
I called my parents and shared my joy. I don't know who was happier, me or them.
Some of my friends and family members called, some sent gifts and greetings. It was incredibly sweet and honestly, unexpected. (I didn't wait for anything, remember?)
Then I ordered sushi, and we ate together with Marten. It was simply perfect.
Old me would expect Marten, my parents and friends to plan everything for me, to buy me amazing gifts, to bring flowers and breakfast in bed, the whole day pamper me with surprises and then plan the whole evening, cook or invite me to the restaurant and in the end, also deal with my tears of unmet expectations. Well, even the best of the best couldn't keep up with that pace. There is a reason for that. It is simply impossible. No one can do it. I can think of it, I can expect it, but it does not make it anyhow possible.
I have never had such an amazing birthday. Ok, maybe as a kid I did. Kids know fur sure how to enjoy! As adults, we sometimes lose this ability. Without family and friends nearby, in the middle of the global crises and total lockdown I had the best day ever. I simply let go of all assumptions by telling myself to do so and believing every word I told myself.
This one-day experiment taught me so much. It took me 28 years to get so far. What a journey! From now on I decide to live according to the same principle. And if you happen to share my struggles then welcome on board, my friend!
Happy letting go!
P.S. Thank you for giving me a gift of your time by reading this. I take it with the deepest gratitude.
Here I am, having my birthday run, listening to great music and enjoying little gifts of spring.
And here comes the soundtrack to this post: