It was exactly one month from the moment when we locked ourselves at home. I started to notice that I am nervous, little things irritate me, I don't sleep well, I am tired of online classes. Just the word online made me sick. I didn’t know what to do or how to get over this frustration. So I did what I always do when I need to calm down. I started cleaning. I decided to listen to some podcasts to take my mind away from my negative thoughts. The first thing that popped to my feed was TED Interview with writer Elizabeth Gilbert. God (or as some people say life or Universe) is sometimes giving us right what we need right when we need it. She was talking about her experience and how she deals with this situation. She said that all the feelings we have are natural. It is totally normal to feel whatever we feel. We don't have to blame us for being human.
I realized that all this time I was pushing myself to be calm, to enjoy, to make the most from the time at home. Every time I found myself scrolling Instagram for hours, I blamed myself for shallowness. I blamed myself for not having perfect days, starting with yoga, meditation, reading, and thinking. I blamed myself for not learning anything new, for not using this time to the full.
Elizabeth was talking about self-appreciation and deep love for ourselves.
This evening I couldn’t fall asleep. It was long after midnight, and I was rethinking everything I heard, reflecting on my feelings and thoughts. As I was sitting in my armchair, wrapped in a blanket, looking at the dark sky above my head – one thought was coming back to me.
“Treat your situation not as quarantine, but as a retreat”.
It was said with such tenderness and love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
And then I stopped for a moment and realized, that it is a retreat. Finally, over the years, I can just be and not worry that I am missing out something. I can do whatever I want and it’s the best choice anyway. I can go to nature every day and enjoy its beauty. I don’t have to rush anywhere, be anywhere, do anything. I am right there where I need to be. And it's all just right.
The next day I looked around my tiny apartment and asked myself, what are the little things I can do to make this place even cozier. I rearranged the bookshelf, added a little candle, sorted out my food drawer, so I could enjoy cooking, brought some branches from outside and put them in a vase. I felt like Marie Kondo, who is always doing everything so quietly, treasuring every second and every detail. As I was cleaning my home, I felt such lightness. As Marie is teaching, I practiced gratitude for every item I placed and thanked for the place we got. And magically I found myself being happier than ever in our home.
I breathed out and whispered “God, I am so thankful that I can give all my worries to you. I might not understand why is everything as it is. But I don´t have to. I have no control and I don´t need it. I just let it all go.”
And it all flew away.
All the anxiety, worry, frustration from being locked was gone.
It all was replaced by gratitude, peace, and trust.
Only after that, I felt the energy to bring some changes to my life. I listed things I want to do every day to feel better and enjoy every day. I made a morning routine that I am able to follow. It makes my mornings more enjoyable.
I remembered one thought that came to me randomly some months ago.
The real change may come only from the place of love. And love only.
Until I was trying to push myself to change, being motivated only by guilt, I was paralyzed. It is the same thing they teach when you learn to meditate. Only by letting go of pressure and effort, you may really feel free and bring change.
Link to the TED Podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert: https://podcasts.apple.com/ee/podcast/elizabeth-gilbert-says-its-ok-to-feel-overwhelmed-heres/id1437306870?i=1000470429250
Series of inspiring stories from Marie Kondo: https://konmari.com/category/konmari-philosophy/
Creating bookshelf and bringing some rosemary branches made such a difference to how I feel in my living area + Rearranged drawers look so inspiring and make me enjoy cooking.
Comments