It’s Saturday, mid-July, 9 am. In my previous life, I would still be sleeping. In my new life, I just came back from work. The construction team did an amazing job and today finished work instead of 6 pm at 8 am. Lucky me! A whole day ahead and just for me!
Since at the end of the last week I had a moment, when I thought that my life here is too easy, I accepted a challenge to run every day. I started slowly with 3 km and by now am doing 5. So nothing dramatic, but still quite painful. For me.
Today I have a lot more free time and energy, than usual, so I decide to run in the mountains.
Well, you can’t really ‘run’ in the mountains. They call it ‘hiking’ for a reason.
So I am going as fast as I could up towards the clouds. After some time I start to think about the concept of challenges. Why we take them and how we feel?
Well, we all know that challenges are great. You grow and explore. You find happiness. You live life. Sounds easy and nice. But why is it so that so often we find ourselves stuck in the comfort zone for too long?
Well, let's start from the beginning. How does it feel to accept a challenge? I believe you all agree that pretty great. You feel proud of yourself. You make a plan or checklist. You get to show off on social media. Everyone is saying compliments and wishing good luck. Well, for a reason!
How does it feel when you are in the midst of it? Mostly not great at all. If I described it with few words, I would say that it’s exposing yourself to a huge spectrum of emotions. Which is very tiring and consuming. You feel strong and weak, happy and miserable, involved and lonely, proud and ashamed, curious and numb, brave and fearful, high and low, best and worst.
Well, not all of it at the same time, but in a nice and neat sinusoid. Some call it a roller coaster.
I believe that is the reason why I didn’t finish many challenges I enthusiastically accepted. I didn’t reach many goals I set. I didn’t experience life as I wanted. It was all just too much to process.
So now in my life, there are two challenges. One is big and one is small. One is surviving in the new country and the other one I told you in the beginning - to run.
With both, I am in the middle of the process. With both, I feel at least once a day like breaking it off and going back home. But I don't do it. I can’t do it. In both situations, I gave my word to stick to it. Shorty to the basics - accountability is one of the key strategies in forming new habits, in other words - sticking to the difficult choices we make. So no way out. I am going on with both.
I am running in the woods. Suddenly I feel that fear is taking over my head. I am completely alone. What if someone is hiding behind the tree? I can’t even protect myself. Just a week ago there were series of rape cases of young women in the woods of Berlin and Potsdam. How do I know that I am safe here?
So what do I do when ghosts start having a party in my head? I start to pray, talk, sing. I fight it.
Then suddenly I see two little deer. They are so beautiful and fragile. And still, they run in the woods full of dangers. So can I.
Feeling brave again I hit the small road. Well, maybe not so fast. My legs are quite tired of ‘running’ up the hill, so I slip and fall into the dirt. Well, sometimes slowing down in the middle of the difficult road is quite a good idea, even though you can’t wait to see the result.
And then, I get to the edge of the cliff...
I am simply speechless. How beautiful, how wonderful, how spectacular!
The group of lovely Germans asks me if I am alone. I say yes. “ So brave!” they say. “Well I am”, I think to myself. We start talking, and they ask from which part of Germany I am, my dialect is so interesting. Well, I have an ‘Estonian’ dialect. But how wonderful, they find that my German is good. Oh, how proud I feel. I am finally, finally being able to have a conversation with strangers and talk, understand. I can be human aging. It feels incredible after 10 months of constant struggle.
When ´running´ back, I realize, that accepting a challenge and sticking to it, is what really life is about. Life shouldn’t be easy. It could be difficult. But in the right amount. The challenges must from a long perspective lift us up, show the beauty of life, and bring true happiness. Not take us down. That’s why we should be careful about what we accept.
But once we choose the decent roller coasters, and stay on them, there is so much life in there.
Happy riding!
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