Well, you all must know what an amazing feeling failure creates. It is so refreshing. Failure gives you the opportunity to reflect, analyze, and simply know how not to do next time. In other words, learn. Wonderful, isn't it? Nevertheless, some of us have a more complicated relationship with this outcome than others.
I remember my middle school years. I cried myself to sleep when I failed, which meant that I got anything lower than 4 (in Estonia 5 is the best and 1 is the worst grade). When it’s not well done, then what’s the point in doing it anyway. I would rather skip the test and not go to school than risk getting anything less than excellent.
I think I faced my biggest “fail” when I applied to university. After an incredibly amazing ´work shadow day´* in architecture firm KOKO (One of the best in Estonia) my dream to become an architect was born. I created a 3-year plan. I studied hard. Every day after school went for 3-4 hours to art school. Dedicated more than 10 hours a week for math. Studied languages. Carried the duties of the president of the student council. My plan was good. I graduated from high school with a silver medal and from art school with the certificate of excellence and got 100/100 points in a national math exam. Now I would just apply to the Academy of Arts and show them that I would become a great architect.
But I didn't get in.
I simply didn't please admission committee enough. I wasn't good enough. How is that possible that you set a goal, work towards it day and night, and then you just fail. It was one of the hardest moments of my life.
And even though I was on the top of the list who was admitted to the Faculty of Engineering at Technical University, the fear of another failure was always there. When I failed a test, I would beat myself up for not doing my best. When I would not get the position in a sorority I wanted, I would cry my heart out. When I would fail at helping my brother with his problem, I would burn myself out with anxiety.
Fear of failure would rule my life. As I worked on projects I would rather work until exhaustion than face the tiniest failure. I would sacrifice my time with unpleasant people, rather than experience rejection from them.I would burst into tears when I got negative feedback from my boss. I felt it was so unfair after all the work I've put my heart into. I would be filled with shame and anger for months. The echo of words that I didn't do perfect would haunt me for a long-long time, sometimes randomly coming to me when I take a walk or shower, even after years have passed.
But I have also always been ambitious, which means that facing bold challenges was part of my life. I just had in mind that I must be always prepared. If I do my homework, carefully and deeply analyze every step I take, then I can avoid failure as much as possible.
There are some good aspects of this strategy. I believe always doing your best is great. But there is a difference between your best and absolute best you create in your head. The ultimate and often unreasonable level you push yourself to reach. Moreover, sometimes you have absolutely no influence on the outcome. There are many things you can not change like weather, culture, and most importantly - other people.
Then I decided to go and work as a Filed Engineer. That would require calling to clients (people I never met before) and agreeing on meetings. I was 100% against my nature. I knew why I decided to do it. I knew how I would grow. I knew that it was necessary. But it was just scary. I would look at the phone for hours feeling absolutely paralyzed. The fear of rejection on the other side of the phone was just bigger than my reasonable arguments.
And then I just did it. I found support in the voice of my husband, to whom I was calling 5th time to tell that I am afraid. I found support in the words of my colleague who told me that by doing that I simply make the world a better place.
After the first call, I had such a burst of adrenaline. I still joke that I do not need to do extreme sports. I have other sources of adrenaline. Like talking to strangers.
The second call was just as hard. But one just must go on, right?
So here I was facing my fears. Luckily, I didn't face many failures. I was preparing for every meeting, for every call. And most of the people are actually kind, so I didn't experience this refreshing feeling.
Until the day when came one situation where I could not do perfect work. I did a test with a device that was not calibrated. I delivered unacceptable work to the client. I remember calling my boss to ask how to solve this situation. Unable to reach him I burst into tears. In my mind, I pictured what terrible consequences it might have. One of my colleagues found me crying in the cardboard box in our storage room. Oh, I freaked out all my colleagues. I am still so very sorry for my reaction. Many people suffered because I couldn’t simply face that I failed. And honestly, it wasn't even a big deal. It was easily fixed. But oh boy, it was huge in my head.
And then, mine and my husband’s love for challenges took us to Germany. What could be a better place to practice excellence than going to a new country, where you don't speak the language, where you don't have a support group and where you completely change the field of specialization. What could go wrong, right?
Failure was programmed in this choice.
Surprisingly, once it became part of the daily practice, I understood that I grew in my resilience. My boss is helping me quite a lot in this process. He is an incredibly friendly and warm-hearted but also brutally honest man in his 60-s. You hear him laughing and sharing fun stores more than anyone I've ever met. But man, when something is done in a bad way, he doesn´t hold him back. Mostly he says “Schlecht” (Bad in German) or “Ploho! Ochen Ploho!” (Bad! Very Bad! in Russian), one of the few words he knows is Russian. But he does it so that you realize that something is not good, but it is also not the end of the World. That this situation is bad, but it doesn't mean that you are bad. Your performance is not the best, but just do one more time and it gets better. And then he gives you some guidelines on how to do better. He always says what he thinks and of course, sometimes it hurts.
But I noticed that it doesn’t feel so painful to fail as it was before. Maybe it is because we are just putting ourselves in this situation where our best isn't simply perfect. It can't be. We can concentrate 100%, work 16 hours a day, and give everything we have. But if I can’t write a document because my German isn't perfect jet, I simply can’t do perfectly. No matter how much I invest my time and energy, I can't do perfectly. I must learn, be patient, and over the time I get the necessary skills and abilities to do better. As my boss says “Immer mit Ruhe”. (Always with Patience) So I practice patience and humility on a whole new level.
I dream of a day I could say that I am a badass professional who equally loves and celebrates success and failure, just because these both are always there when you are doing things that are worth doing. Until then, I am still learning.
Happy failing!
And here I found the picture of 18-year-old me driving to meet the admission committee of the Estonian Academy of Arts. So much confidence in this girl. Having no idea that it is the eve of the most difficult failure in her early life.
*In Estonia one day in November, when 10th-graders get to follow one specialist for one day to see how they operate
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